Oaked Brown Ale

Beaver Oaked Brown Ale
1 bottle, $1.99++, 6% ABV
Purchased at Connecticut Beverage Mart, Newington

With so many beers to review, I often just sort of wait for random inspiration to hit. Today, a friend of mine – a real life friend! Not just a Twitter friend! – reminded me of my Beaver Beer pages and how they made him chuckle.

Ah, yes. It had been a few years since I wrote them, so I went back and quickly skimmed through the main page. The Beaver boys said that they hoped to be selling two million cases per year across the nation.

Um.

Then it hit me – I had a Beaver beer for which to write up a review! And here we are. And who doesn’t love a nice Beaver… review. Oh man, these guys just serve up such great stuff! I can’t resist! And neither can Spiderman with his taut abs and impressive glutes and hammies. Just look at that guy.

Actually, yes I can resist. Quite easily. For when one’s marketing plan is based 99% on vagina puns, then I can make fun of you until the beavers come home. Because you are juvenile and boring.

And not even good at it. To wit:

Beaver says:

As with brewers of old, we use oak to add character to the robust American brown ale. Crafted in small batches, this toasty brew feature a well balanced malt profile with a smooth, satisfying finish. Enjoy this full bodied Beaver over the cooler seasons.

Guyyyyssss, you put “wood” in a “beaver” and you didn’t use that in your description? Pathetic.

My first question is, how did they “use oak” in the beer? There is just no way they aged this stuff in sterilized oak barrels. At Paper City. Didn’t happen. So what did they do? Oak flavor extract? (it exists.) Oak chips? (most likely.) I saw on one review site that someone labeled this beer “barrel aged,” but that is simply not true.

At least I’d think if it was, a bottle wouldn’t be two bucks and they’d be sure to note that fact on the label. So let’s go with oak chips. Fine.

My second question therefore is, where’s the oak characteristic in this beer? Because there was none. And again, I saw one reviewer note “vanilla and oak flavors” in this beer. Sigh.

My third question goes to Myla Quiles, a 28 year old from Shelton who said of this beer, “It’s great, not smoky, smooth, not hoppy.” Ms. Quiles, what does that mean? And how do you feel as a woman consumer that this company gets off on objectifying your vagina?

So this is not smoky and not hoppy. It’s smooth. That’s actually all true, so I shouldn’t disparage the young lady too much. (It also isn’t gamey or fishy, but whatever.) But it’s also just a boring brown ale that had some oak chips (again, assuming here) in with the hope that it retained some mystical oak-like properties.

It didn’t work, Beaver. Just like your marketing plan to be selling two million cases nationwide by now. Or in 2018. Or perhaps 2025 when the old goats who run this Beaver show are no longer of this earth.

My poor rating here is more of a reflection of what this beer is supposed to be, not necessarily how good it is. Because it is actually a decent regular old brown ale. But as you’ve gathered if you’ve read down to here, I’m not in a giving mood today.

Avoid.

Overall Rating: D+
Rating vs. Similar style: F

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